Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

I've been a Bowie fan for a long time (Labyrinth, anyone?). I'd be the type of parent that completely Zappa'd out and named her kid "Bowie."  That's probably why the universe has kept me from procreating, but that's neither here nor there...

I'm the type of music dork that gets hooked on a song for a few hours, clicking the "repeat" sign and just absorbing the song ad nauseum until, somewhere in the fourth hour, I never want to hear that damned song ever, ever again. I do that with TV shows, food, etc.  Maybe it's the part of obsessive behavior I let roam free.  In any case, today it's Bowie, and I can't stop listening to "Changes."  It's this line that nailed me to the floor: "I watch the ripples change their size but never leave the stream of warm impermanence, so the days float through my eyes."

The idea of impermanence has been something that seriously resonated with me for awhile. Nothing is permanent, and as the song implies, everything changes.  We change.  I use science often as a major defense mechanism against long term relationships, so the idea of change is just...biology, and thus, not scary at all.  Our hormones change.  Our bodies change. We are essentially becoming different people all of the time. 

 So, in the ongoing relentless change that my body and my mind undergo--in my thirties, everything seems different. I feel different. I react differently. I want completely different things. I was laying on the couch the other day with my dog, Joplin, who gazes up at me with deep brown eyes filled with both love and mischief. I felt completely happy and content.  Part of me, at some point in my youth, would have been itching to DO something and not "waste time."  John Lennon once said that "Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."  I fully agree and understand that now. I also cry easier, tell people "I love you" often, and find myself wishing to be a part of my nieces' and nephew's lives. Changes---you know---oftentimes for the better.

All it takes, really.

I also stopped buying into the excuse that because we change as part of our biological destiny, that we can't maintain good relationships long-term. Obviously, there are plenty of people that have already proved this theory wrong.  I've not been one of them. Or have I?

When I talk about people I know and love, most of them I have known for a decade or so (give or take---28 years with my oldest, dearest friend). Somehow I have maintained those friendships that long (patient friends is my theory). I guess I have always believed in, and been a part of long-term relationships, just...the platonic ones.

Proven then: the acceptance and belief that impermanence is life and vice verse, and change is our only constant, is not mutually exclusive to healthy relationships. The patterns I have created for myself, now that they have been proven illogical, are likely to fade...just like "Changes."  43 times...it's enough, already.

Okay, maybe just a FEW more listens....

Skeptically Yours.

Lessons from my past self.

Change and flux, realizations and goodbyes. That's the stuff that 2012 was made of.

The staggering amount of people that left my life last year is still quite dizzying.  I've been censoring myself a little in these last few months, partially because I fear rocking the boat with the people that I know personally that read this blog, and partially because I've curtailed a lot of my skepticism by promising to see the glass as half full (seeing it half full of coffee, or beer, certainly helps my positive outlook.)  I've not committed to hitting the "publish" button on this blog because of those reasons. I've written frequently, but it's not gone to press, so to say.

Besides the people that have gone in 2012, I also started to leave behind some of my own terrible tendencies...as my friend says, my "defense mechanisms" that were once useful, but are no longer necessary.  Those defense mechanisms served their purposes but they also segregated me and hurt people I care/cared about.  They made foggy my moral compass.

So part of my own "therapy" has been to dig though the decade-long practice of journaling, and to read through my past self's experiences, emotions, failures and (perceived) triumphs.  Here are some highlights:

1. I was a fucking idiot.  In my early 20s, I was exactly the type of girl that I now disdain.  I overused my  lifelines, I wanted things handed to me, and I didn't appreciate what I did have.
2. I trusted my emotions way too much.  I wish I knew then how deceitful those pesky "feelings" would   turn out to be. Troublemakers!
3. I never made peace with a lot of the things I should have.  There are a lot of areas where clearly I brushed things under the rug, and largely ignored the issues.  Bitterness seeps through barely concealed language. Early 20's me just needed to get the fuck over shit. Moving on never was my strong point.
4. Early 20's me had opportunities I foolishly stepped over.  I didn't even see them.
5. I spent way too much time thinking about men. Worrying about men. Dating. Fighting. Doubting. Early 20's me didn't see how pointless that was, and despite being nowhere mature enough for an actual  relationship, it occupied about 75% of my thoughts.
6. I forgave too easily. I didn't make people earn it. I kept the douche bags around and I let the good ones go distant, minus a few positive examples.
7. I thought getting a stupid tattoo was a brilliant idea.  And then I got three more.  I was defaulting on my student loans but sporting a Sagittarius tat.  Someone should have kicked my ass.
8. I worked on partnerships and relationships more than I worked on myself, and I didn't even realize why those partnerships/relationships didn't work out. Duh.
9.  The truest of friends are those that drive to your aid because you're having a hair crisis. Keep them.   Keep them forever. This one, I did right.
10. I didn't apologize enough. I had a lot of asshole moments, and a lot of people should have heard me say,  "I'm so sorry. I'm so FUCKING sorry. I'm a dick."

So, I guess the moral of the story is that if I could tell my younger self from a decade back a few things, it would first start with a thorough ass-kicking.  Then I would pass on the wisdom to apologize often, make peace with the past, take advantage of opportunities and not people, balance your head and heart, and stop justifying why you hurt people.  I, of course, would surely not listen, because what I've also learned from my past self is that I was pretty sure I knew how to live my life.

I hope 33 year old me is smarter, more gracious, and more loyal.  For those of you that knew me way back when...I'm sorry...I'm so fucking sorry...I was a dick.  And...thanks. For not killing me.

Summation: Dumb girl, Boys...Boys...boys...Dumb girl...

Skeptically Yours.