The Lloyd Dobler Effect

I've had this discussion probably 32 times in the last month, this recurring conversation about a common dillemma that most people, I'm guessing, haven't even considered to be a dilemma.  Yet...I do, and apparently I'm not alone.  I'm talking again about apathy, because it seems to be everywhere, all around me, draped 'round my shoulders like a worn-out hoodie.

It's a women and men thing...and it's really come together for me recently.  Some background information first: I have never trusted men.  See, most men in my life were complete douchebags, minus my brother, who is and always will be the greatest man ever.  Now that I've said that, I'm realizing partially that a) I can't hate/distrust (almost) every single man out there because of the plethora of douchebaggery to which I've been exposed and that b) we are sort of training our up and coming crop of men to be said douchebags.

Stick with me, I promise I'll be burning gas in a second.

I remember the days when I felt like feminism was a good thing, and I still do but in general I grip the immense polarizing effect it's had on society.  I no longer have a NOW tee shirt, I DO shave my legs, and while I love tinkering on my cars in the garage, I have found that I ALSO enjoy cooking and I now admit to having a maternal instinct.  I used to be more one sided...I WILL work, I WILL be a mechanic, I WILL not be girly because girly is weak.

Weak.  I let feminism mutate in my head to say that if I'm girly, I'm being weak, and therefore open to victimization.  I wouldn't admit to wanting kids.  I wouldn't admit to wanting to actually stay at home and write and not have to be a manic workaholic in a suit. To completely contort Eric Cartman to fit my needs...I have learned that I want to say "Screw you guys...I'm going home."  I have a great job, and I like the independence that the sufragettes before me fought themselves bloody to procure.  And for years I have been among them, albeit still wearing my bra.  Now I find the most useful part of feminism, for me anyway, is to be able to choose.

I choose, if I am able, to not have to work.  I realize that in the eyes of most women now, their value is their career.  I get that.  It's been me for seven years. 

Now, to the hard part of being this newly envisioned feminist, deciding on using my womanhood for it's organic, hardwired components:

Men.

Men are sort of trained, right? As trained as us strong, independent women.  We work equally, we make approximately the same pay, we have moved into the male sectors of traditional employment.  That's great and all, and yay for women, but what effect did this have on the guys?

I notice it sometimes, when I outshoot the men at the range.  When I can talk cars better than the guys at the car show.  When my male friends want to fix their cars...and relunctantly they call me.  And then they stand there, looking a little lost, looking at me as if I'm pissing standing up.  They are confused.

How can they feel needed when I can do this stuff as good as or better than them?  How can they feel like they are protecting me, which seems like a real male need, if I can grab the .357 and protect myself?  How can they strut around, feathers raised, and attract me if I can outdrive them, outshoot them, outthink them?

In short, my female desires at this point are sort of outweighed by the fact that the TYPE of man I want is sort of heading towards extinction.  I want a man that CAN impress me with his smarts, make me laugh with better timing than mine, protect me and make me feel secure, make amazing decisions that I can follow without wondering "what the hell am I doing?"  I don't want him to feel insecure around me because of my stengths, I want him to feel secure in his OWN strengths, and therefore be able to appreciate mine. I'm tired of being a leader. I want someone to feel comfortable taking that position.

So...where do I find this rare creature? Does it still exist? Am I subconsciously looking for Lloyd Dobler, only to come up short and finding the asexual creatures that are popular these days...the skinny, weak intellectuals that seem apathetic about the whole thing ala Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds?  Lloyd Dobler seems to be a popular name with my generation, and there's a reason we've all stuck with him.  You don't see it often enough, these character traits.  Lloyd Dobler was indeed flawed, but he was flawed in some amazing ways. 

In Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman blames his inability to satisfy women on John Cusack, explaining that Lloyd Dobler has set an example impossible to follow. He writes:

     It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John  

    Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn’t the number one box-office star in America, because every straight

    girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker … But here’s the thing that

    these … women don’t seem to realize. They don’t love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they

    see Mr. Cusack, they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say

   Anything.

I think there's something to this.  Women from my generation have been trained to want it all, to want the Lloyd Dobler, to want a career, to want kids, to want to provide but also be provided for...but it's all too much.  I don't want a career AND kids....so what's it all mean?
 
Lloyd Dobler adored Diane Court. He fought for her. He checked up on her and made sure she was okay, he steered her around obstacles, he wouldn't let her slip away, he held her with passion.  However, she was the powerhouse in the relationship, smarter, more organized, more educated, more eloquent.  He was the passion, the emotion, the follower. She was pragmatic and practical. In this instance, they end up together and he raises the kids while she chases a career in international law....
 
So altogether, I think Lloyd Dobler is a bigger problem than previously imagined.  Do I want my husband raising my kids as I slave away in a corporate graind?  No. Flip it around. Lloyd Dobler made us recognize something we wanted, but it wasn't transparent enough to realize that HE was going to take the traditional wife role in this instance and Diane was going to support him forever. Maybe she wanted that. Maybe some women do, but I am going to start being a voice of semi-opposition.
 
Confused men are becoming apathetic, because their roles have been diminished and become enigmatic. Men are more likely, these days, to posture instead of practice (See below post, and note that Facebook was created by one of the "world's biggest posers"-direct quote from someone smarter than me.)  I know more apathetic men than women, I know more apathetic teen males than I ever imagined existed.  Those that do not feel needed are more likely to be apathetic, right? So it completely makes sense. If men are inconsequential in this society, apathy takes over and more and more men will actually be the dreaded d-bags, without a path, without a PURPOSE, misguided, confused. We all need a purpose. Damn...having a bigger purpose, a bigger voice, and better choices were what feminism was all about. Now the pendulum has perhaps swung too far.
   
Skeptically Yours.