Bigskeptic is in Love...

...with Spotify. Tried it?

Since music ranks up there as one of the most potent, poignant, and pervasive (alliteration RULES!) aspects of my life, I think these people have hit the nail on the proverbial (okay, I'm done with the letter "p") head.  Based on the fact that folks like me will buy hundreds and hundreds of dollars of music every year, I think sites like Spotify have the right idea in letting you build playlists and discover artists, essentially test driving your music before you get incredibly hooked and plop down your dough.

The only problem...and it's actually a large one...is that with the free music, I've been building playlists for everything. Most of my memories of major events or major people are tied up in the music from that moment, and sometimes it's absolutely comforting or enjoyable. Sometimes...sometimes it drags me down to wallow in the funk of yesteryear.

Some of the music I found on Spotify is way too personal, as it belongs to an ex of mine's old band. That brings me to think not just of the past, but of past-love fuck-ups that I have made.  You can imagine with that, I've built a LOT of playlists.

I was told once that being consistently the one that walks away from relationships is a major red flag. I would completely agree---if I weren't me, I certainly wouldn't date me. Does that make sense? I mean, I do sort of have a pattern.  I wrote a blog not too long ago....Rage Rage Against the Dying of the Light...and I was damned determined to stop protecting my heart in order to allow myself to feel things, to put myself out there..and blah blah blah.

The inner Skeptic is still winning, folks, because whenever I get the nudge of an emotion trying to peek out and draw attention to itself, I poke it to death until it retreats. Being vulnerable, even for the mere 22 seconds that I gave it a go, is terrifying.  In that small window of time, I think I was more frightened than I had been in my entire life.

It isn't easy, and your humble narrator gets a big, fat "F" in my efforts to release the control and allow myself to feel elation, love, disappointment, heartbreak. I thought I was cruising along okay until I made the mistake of looking backwards, of listening to the music of that one particular ex.   He sings in one track, "I was meant to stay and fight, you were meant to burn out bright, and we were not meant to go quietly into the night."  It was poignant...

Burning out bright---that really means getting the hell out of dodge while everything is still good and perfect, before it starts to fade and temper your memory of it. I have always walked away, minus a few times, at the very peak. The inner skeptic yells "flee! Run! It's about to get shitty!" And of course, I listen.

Still, even with the songs that bum me out, Spotify has become my new best friend, allowing me at least honestly and quietly feel whatever the hell I need to feel, freely, and to choose to share (publish playlists) or keep it to my damn self (private playlists.) For that, I am thankful.

For a taste of some of the tunes I've been listening to, check out some of my playlists on Spotify here:

Grit
Winona
Beach Rd.
DRUMS

Skeptically Yours.